Craft Beer Shandy

” No matter how busy I am I always find time to drink at least three craft beers a day ”

-Marquis debeer Sade

Last week I unleashed this Tweet upon an unsuspecting world: “Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days when I wandered into a pub and just asked for a pint of lager“. As is often the case with confessional outpourings, the majority of the world let it slip by without bothering to comment but a couple of people did retweet it and @Irr_orbit took the time to respond: “Suffering from option paralysis? You don’t really mean that thing about lager, do you?” I then quantified my original statement: “As I had no expectation in those days I was never let down… but once you’ve indulged in a craft beer wank you can’t go back“. The second part of the Tweet wasn’t meant to be anything other than a jocular throwaway but as I cycled home that evening I began to give it far more though than it really deserved…

The more I pondered it the more I began to realise that the similarities between craft beer drinking and masturbation are glaringly apparent:

  • Most craft beer drinkers/masturbators like to spend copious amounts of their time on the internet “researching” their chosen subject
  • Some people need a craft beer/wank to kick-start their day
  • Some people need a few craft beers/wanks before they can get to sleep
  • The occasional craft beer/wank isn’t going to do you any harm but if you indulge too often addiction can take control of you and the consequences can be disastrous
  • Most members of polite society will think you a bit of a weirdo if you keeping waffling on about craft beer/masturbation
  • Everyone knows there are many more productive ways to spend your time but sometimes you can’t resist being self-indulgent and giving in to a craft beer/wank
  • Some people find it such a buzz that they want to drink a craft beer/have a wank in front of their partner even though their partner isn’t really in to it
  • Having a sneaky one can lead to you telling lies to your partner: when asked “What did you get up to while I was out?” most people will resort to a simple “Nothing much” instead of telling the truth and saying “I drunk a £25 bottle of craft beer/I had a wank to Girls Aloud videos”
  • It might be great fun at the time but a craft beer/wank often makes you feel bad in the morning

Those are just a few of the startling similarities… I’m sure most of you can think of many more.

So, in short, craft beer drinkers are wankers!


~ by landells on June 28, 2012.

8 Responses to “Craft Beer Shandy”

  1. I was hoping that you’d suggest a craft lemonade (maybe Fentiman’s?) for a suitably craft shandy. But this was funnier.

  2. Love it. Crafty folk must remember to not take themselves too seriously. To most of the world beer is “just beer”. Wine snobs, wankers, emacs users, craft beer geeks – different fish, same kettle.

    • Must confess that I do enjoy drinking beers that are commonly described as ‘craft’ but I do find it a bit mad that people (drinkers & brewers) feel the need to use the term. I appreciate that they rightly want their beers to be recognised as being better than the standard mass market products but you don’t hear (m)any people saying the watch craft telly or listen to craft music. But I was just messing about in general and not really poking fun at anyone in particular. Vive Le Craft Wank!

  3. Hopefullly it won’t make me blind or turn my palms hairy! I can’t stand the term “craft”. I drink beer, dammit (although a google search turned up several instances of the term on my site in the context of rants for which no other adjective would be suitable).

  4. See this comment at Mediocre Beer Adventures for an apt reference to the craft beer drinker’s need for ever-more hardcore stimulus to achieve satisfaction…

    • Very interesting post. But when you add up everything (cost, effect on health, overall experience, etc) what would be the winner out of a bottle of Tokyo* or 4 bottles of Duvel? They both cost a tenner but you what get from those two transactions is something quite different… perhaps a blog post for someone more intelligent than me

  5. Love it. I have often often hidden beers from my partner (even rubbish ones that I couldn’t resist ticking off), just so she doesn’t realise the depths of my [trainspotting-style] beer habit

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