(Inspired by) The Session No.67 – How Many Breweries in 2017?

THIS IS AN UNOFFICIAL ENTRY INTO THIS MONTH’S SESSION AND, JUST IN CASE ANYONE IS IN ANY DOUBT, IT IS PURELY A BIT OF FUN

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How many breweries will the United States of America be home to in the year two thousand and seventeen? Two. Yup, you’ve read that correctly, just two. Stone, who control a small corner of Southern California and BrewDog who control the rest of the north American continent. But how does such a crazy situation come about?

The seeds were sown in the summer of 2013 (the hottest on record since 2012). BrewDog were hosting their inaugural Highland Games and had invited many famous names from the world of brewing, including Greg Koch of Stone. The main event was the Caber Toss and BrewDog’s James Watt had high hopes that he’d walk away with the Golden Log. Sadly, things don’t always go to plan and Koch tossed a perfect 12 o’clock whereas Watt’s was judged to be 5 past. However, Team BD wasn’t about to let some pesky yank walk away with such an illustrious award and they invoked the ancient Scottish law of non-gingerness, which effectively means that anyone deemed to have an insufficient amount of ginger hairs is hit with a “6 minute” handicap. This unsporting intervention allowed Watt to emerge victorious and it has subsequently been described by most beer historians as the opening salvo of the Great Beer War.

Koch instantly returned to California and brewed a 12.06% Scotch Ale which he named Jock Punk Fux. The beer scooped every award at the 2014 Beer World Cup, even ones that it wasn’t even remotely eligible for. BrewDog cried foul play and swore they would have revenge. Through and endless labyrinth of hedge funds, BrewDog began to acquire the finest craft beer brewers in the USA, along with quite a few crap beer brewers. By the fall of 2015 they had secretly purchased every brewery in every state east of Colorado. It wasn’t until a bald gentleman with a suspiciously fake looking ginger beard wandered into Odell’s HQ with a whisky barrel full of cash that Team BD’s plan was uncovered. Doug Odell is a firm believer in the old Colorado law that dictates the only true way to finalize a deal is to have a tug of each other’s beards. Ooops! Watt understandably tried wangle his way of it but Mr Odell wasn’t to be outdone. On being unbearded Watt ran to the window, paused long enough to let out a maniacal cackle then jumped from the window straight onto the back of BrewDog Bracken who plodded off into the Rockies. From that day on the remaining American breweries pulled rank and resolved to not sell-out to the Scottish invaders. But it wasn’t enough. Team BD entered into the second phase of Operation Get Greg (And Every Other Brewer in America): they unleashed Bracken and His Hounds of Hops. Any brewer who refused to sell was repeatedly badgered by a horde of crazy canines who pissed in the hop kettle, chewed up brew sheets and ate the packed lunches of everyone who merely went within a 100 meters of a brewery. Despite their desire to hold out and preserve the American way of life and brewing, the trauma was sadly too much and any brewery that was visited by Bracken and his buddies eventually sold out to the Scottish Megacorp. By the end of 2016 every brewery in the United States had succumbed to the power of the dog… all except Stone. Fortunately for Stone, Greg Koch’s favourite TV prog is Dog Borstal and from repeated late night viewings he’d learnt that all dogs are scared of a PepsiCola bottle that has been half filled with little stones. Day after day the Hounds of Hops descend on Escondido and day after day they are forced back by rattly bottles and water pistols.

The summer of 2017 is due to see the 2nd BrewDog Highland Games – it is not yet known if Greg Koch will receive an invite.

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TO REITERATE: THIS IS PURELY A BIT OF FUN – I LOVE BEERS FROM BOTH BREWDOG AND STONE. APOLOGIES IF ANY EGOS HAVE BEEN OFFENDED AND/OR DAMAGED

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You can find the month’s Session at Ramblings of a Beer Runner

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~ by landells on September 7, 2012.

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